On Having Loved and Lost and Why I Don’t Give a Shit

It is easier to forget everything Before when your feet are solid and standing in Now. But still. I think of my first love often. I was 18, my eye-liner dark and my lips red. He was blonde haired, baggy jeaned, and blue eyed. It was that silly, infamous, feeling of first love. We would stay up nights listening to The Doors, sketching in bed, our legs tangled and bare. For five years we battled our love before we let it go. I picture him now; older but still beautiful with his high cheekbones and soft though worked hands. First love is special.

My second love, tall and lanky and certainly impressionable, was smart and addicted to his fancy blue prelude and video games. He was like play-dough – shifting under my watchful eye. But love just the same. A shared home; shared pets. His desire for me to slow down and my desire for him to speed up. It ended with few tears; mutual, as much as these things can be. He is married now and his wife is stunning, blonde and beautiful and his two daughters smile brightly. I am nothing if not happy for him.

My third love, like my first, was quick to fall and five years to last. He talked quickly, walked even faster, and constantly pissed me off. We shared the same taste in music and the same sexual proclivities. We would frequent video stores; the kind with sectioned off areas where you could rent silly videos like Pirates of the Caribbean but the cast was all nude. Johnny Depp would have been unimpressed.

We claimed sobriety together and traveled the United States: spending time in cabins in Mount Baker; drinking, running in the rain, hiking, snowboarding. We went to many concerts and even more hockey games. We loved deeply. We hated equally. I miss him still – though never enough.

Nine years later I remain unattached. I suppose it will stay that way. I am not missing anything for I have had love, in three different ways and with three different people, throughout my 35 years.

I have my daughter now; a different kind of love, the kind you never forget, the kind you must protect. The rest is bullshit at this point.

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